LESSON 3: HOW TO SILENCE THE BIGGEST HATER IN THE ROOM (Hint: It's You)

In September of 1996, I was 10 months into a super cushy staff gig at Game Show Network. Days were spent writing and producing silly promos for vintage game shows such as Password, The Dating Game and What’s My Line. On paper, this was my ideal job. One night, I was invited to my first big-time “Celebrity Party” in the Hollywood Hills. I remember standing there, happily chatting with some folks about a goofy new Kitty Carlisle jingle I had just produced. Janeane Garofalo, who was standing a few feet away, reeled around and yelled, “If I have to hear your fucking Kitty Carlisle story one more time, I’m going to throw up all over the fucking floor!”

She’s nice.

The truth is, I had grown as bored of making vintage game show promos as Janeane Garofalo was with eavesdropping on my story. As luck would have it, a few weeks later, I learned that NBC was searching for a staff writer/producer to join their innovative new creative services department called NBC2000. This was a relatively new department that produced unique, bonus content running on a split-screen during the show credits for Seinfeld, ER, Mad About You, etc. NBC2000 created original comedy material, TV show parodies, trivia questions, and all sorts of innovative content designed to retain viewers during the end credits and sweep them right into the next show. I sent them my demo reel. A few weeks later, NBC made me a 3-month trial offer. I quit my Job For Life® at Game Show Network and headed to Beautiful Downtown Burbank.

My first few days at NBC were spent writing jokes for Goat Boy and trying not to make waves. I had utilized a similar try not to get fired strategy a few years earlier at The Oprah Winfrey Show but, sadly, that did not net the desired result. Why? Great question. Thank you for asking. Here's why: If you have a big opportunity somewhere, the very LAST thing you want to do is play it safe, keep your head down or try to fade in. You need to take big swings and let everybody know you’re there. Think about it. There’s a reason you don’t hold your arms to your side and quietly whisper, “Excuse me…” when you’re drowning. You scream as loud as you’re able and thrash your arms to literally make a splash. A chance-in-a-lifetime opportunity is the same. You need to MAKE A SPLASH.

Or you’re dead.

My three-month trial at NBC was winding down and I hadn’t even made a small puddle. One day, in month 3, we were told they needed a promo for an upcoming episode of Frasier where Niles decides to make his big move on a newly-single Daphne. With nothing actually smart to suggest, I blurted out the first dumb idea that fell into my head. Something completely ridiculous and obscure. “Let’s do a parody of the old commercial for the board game, Mystery Date,” I stupidly suggested. Honestly, I have absolutely no idea where this goofy idea came from. But instead of playing it safe and not making waves, I threw it out there. I really had nothing to lose at this point. My boss thought for a moment and shrugged, “Mokay.”

For some reason unknown to me, the producers of Frasier also liked my stupid idea, so we shot a frame-by-frame parody of the obscure, vintage TV commercial with the Frasier cast. The very ridiculous idea that fell out of my face…the stupid idea whispered to me by the curator of the Museum of Obscure Vintage TV References that exists in my head…the stupid idea that anyone else would immediately suppress, got me hired. The courage to be an idiot (and the fact that I passed the drug test) is how I got a staff job at NBC. I thrived, idiotically, at NBC for years. I was eventually promoted to Director of Special Projects, wrote, produced, directed and edited thousands of pieces of content years before that word was even used. I learned everything I know about marketing, I made friends for life and did, without a doubt, some of the best work of my career.

Until I got bored and quit.

That's a story for another time. My point is, if you ever find yourself drowning, please don’t play it safe. Keep your head up and take big, stupid swings. Make a big splash…or you’re going to drown.

As Mark Twain said, “Why not go out on a limb? That’s where all the fruit is.”

Okay. So, how do you access all of that inner stupidity?

It’s quite simple, once you learn the trick.

There’s a voice in your head…okay, if you’re a creative person there are probably several very loud and interesting voices in your head. But for the moment, let’s focus on that one very prominent voice that prevents you from making bad decisions. Most of the time that voice is doing you a big favor.

Don’t walk down that dangerous alley at night.

Don’t use a giant knife to help you reach a box of glass jars perched on a high shelf.

Don’t buy a Fiat.

This voice saves you from guaranteed disaster. Unfortunately, this voice is also a huge, power mad asshole. This voice also prevents you from accessing your true creative genius. This voice doesn’t want you to be groovy. This voice demands that you always play it safe. This voice warns you that you it’s somehow disrespectful to wear your dad’s beloved, vintage, motorcycle jacket to his funeral. This voice tells you the idea of adding squid ink to macaroni and cheese and calling it Blackaroni & Cheese is dumb. This voice tells you that your graphic novel about a misfit, non-verbal kid with magical powers who secretly controls his entire 6th grade class class is a corny idea. This voice is a dick. I wish I had a bowl of delicious Blackaroni & Cheese right this very moment. Okay, yes, this voice occasionally saves your life, and I suppose that can be helpful. Unfortunately, it also has a really strong side hustle suppressing your awesome and stupid ideas. This voice always wants you to play it safe. Well, I got some news for you and this voice: Your “dumbest” ideas are probably your best ideas.

Meanwhile, playing it safe is a one-way ticket to nowhere.

Every unique, silly and risky idea that magically drops in your brain is forced to run a gauntlet of self-doubt, judgment, fear and completely irrelevant comparisons before you’ll even consider it. Meanwhile, your safe and totally obvious, crappy ideas are immediately escorted right to the front of the line, like Cher at LAX. The entire system is completely backwards.

No offense, Cher.

What if we can somehow invert the entire idea regulating process inside your head?!!? After all, it’s your head, you can do whatever you want, right? First thing, give that voice a name. Something you’ll remember. My judgmental voice is named Roberta. She's awful, but easily tricked. What you do is thank that voice for repeatedly saving your life. "Thank you, Roberta. I'd be dead without you." Now that she's feeling vindicated, quickly tell her to take a well-earned break for a couple of hours. “Roberta, thank you again for your service. Preventing me from inserting a wet screwdriver in that live electrical outlet last week was super smart. You totally saved my ass. Again! You so rock. In fact, you have done such a bang-up job of keeping me alive that I’m gonna send you on a little vacation as a reward. That’s right, Roberta. I’m going to be working on a silly creative project now that has absolutely nothing to do with you, so, if you wouldn’t mind, please step away and enjoy your vacation while I access my stupid, creative ideas. I promise you, I’ll check in before doing anything that might get me killed, arrested, or slapped. You can trust me, Roberta. But right now, you get to take a super sweet vacation while I'm working on something else. Thanks Roberta! Byeeeee!!”

It’s that simple.

Send Roberta away for a while. She’ll be fine. If you start to freak out from all of your newfound creative freedom, you can always temporarily reinstate Roberta. Maybe while you go to a public bathroom or have to cut a bagel. You can put Roberta back in charge. Briefly. But when you want full access to your creativity with no judgment, tell Roberta to scram. I promise you she won’t get angry. Okay, she might get angry. She’s a manipulative, power freak, after all. She may put up a big fight and tell you that she always knows better, blah, blah, blah. But here’s the thing…she doesn’t. Roberta doesn’t know better. She’s not remotely creative. She hates crazy ideas. She’s a professional buzzkill who wants to stop you from accessing your most ridiculous ideas because she’s afraid you’re going to be judged and get hurt. She’s afraid you’re going to be laughed at and get hurt. She’s afraid everyone is going to find out that you’re a total fraud and that your ideas are worthless and that the entire world is way more creative and talented than you.

Roberta continually destroys your creativity because she’s afraid it will hurt you.

Roberta is wrong.

What Roberta doesn’t realize is that people are thinking of you a lot less frequently than you imagine. People have their own crap to worry about, they’re not sitting around wondering why you’re even at the table or why you could DARE to suggest such ridiculous ideas. I’ve been on both sides of this table. I’ve been the goofball pitching stupid ideas and I’ve been the tense executive clutching a tiny water bottle on the other side of the table silently hoping and praying that SOMEONE, ANYONE comes up with a great idea. People aren’t trying to crush you, they’re rooting for you. They want you to solve their problems. They want you to write that great book. They want you to design that amazing room. They’re sitting there hoping and praying that you have a really awesome, gigantic, stupid idea for a toy. What they're not doing is sitting there hoping you only have safe ideas. I promise you.

Safe, boring and derivative ideas are like subway tiles. They’re everywhere.

Big, stupid, brave ideas that no one else has but you? That’s something special. Which is precisely why you politely have to tell Roberta to fuck off for a bit so you can move your ridiculous ideas to the front of the line. Remember: You can always pull back on a huge, stupid idea, but there’s not a lot you can do with beige.

So, here’s your exercise for the day. Go to your favorite work spot. Get comfy. Grab a beverage and a tasty snack. Now, give your own Roberta a name, thank them for their service and then ask them, kindly-yet-authoritatively, to go away for 30 minutes. Just 30 minutes. Once they’re gone, spend those 30 minutes generating whatever stupid ideas you’ve been afraid to bring forward. Painting, poetry, design, knitting, screenwriting, photography, a business plan, sculpture…whatever it is, spend 30 minutes with your Roberta on ice and see what kind of gigantic and stupid ideas you have in there. Don’t edit yourself, don’t look back, just generate stupidity like a runaway train for 30 minutes.

Then stop.

Now, look at what you have in front of you. Behold what you have created. You have 30 minutes worth of completely judgment free, unregulated creativity. While you're reviewing it, Roberta may try to chime in and tell you your ideas are crap, but this isn’t her department. Send her back to her soulless office. You're busy.

Look at what you’ve created. It may be brilliant. It may be a gigantic pile of stupidity. I hope for your sake, it's both.

Try this exercise with more and more frequency until it becomes second nature. Do it over and over again until it becomes creative muscle memory. Once you can quickly get rid of your Roberta and access your great wealth of stupidity without judgment then you’ll be off to the races. You will be a brave and ridiculous, carefree idea machine.

Seriously, don't worry about Roberta. She'll be fine.

She has plenty of things to worry about.

 

LESSON 2: HIGHLY EFFECTIVE HABITS ARE HIGHLY INEFFECTIVE

No offense to bestselling author Stephen Covey, but the habits of highly effective people mean diddly squat to me. Why? Because those people are not me. I’m not going to emulate the highly effective habits of someone highly effective with the hopes that those highly effective habits will make me a highly effective copy of them. They won’t. In fact, that whole highly effective strategy is highly ineffective.

Since I’m a writer, I’ll explore some habits of highly effective writers. Ernest Hemingway liked to write first thing in the morning to avoid the heat. I prefer to sleep until the third or possibly fourth thing in the morning. Also, I hate fishing. Thomas Wolfe wrote ten pages a day, triple spaced, not stopping until he reached 1800 words. He also fondled his genitals while writing until “the sensuous elements in every domain of life became more immediate, real, and beautiful.” Sounds like a foppish euphemism for something other than 1800 words. Pass. Maya Angelou liked to rent a hotel room near her home and write there every day for months while lying on the unchanged bed. I know why the caged bird has Norovirus. Each of these work habits of highly effective writers shares one key characteristic – they have nothing whatsoever to do with me. Or you. #JustSaying

Sitting in a bathtub and eating apples while writing, won’t turn you into Agatha Christie. Using the Pomodoro Technique for time management will not suddenly turn you into Elon Musk. Only scheduling meetings “when absolutely necessary” will not turn you into Oprah Winfrey. I’ve tried that one and yes, I got to be in fewer meetings but no matter how many meetings I missed, I never became Oprah.

Now get ready cause I have a super radical idea. Ready? Strapped in? Mouthguard in place? Tray table in its upright and locked position? Great! Here we go…

Instead of copying the habits of Oprah, Elon Musk or that perv Tom Wolfe, simply pay attention to what works really well for you and…DO THAT.

Wait, what!?!?!

You read that right. What works well for you turns out to be exactly what works really well for you!

Since you’ve already given up on the destructive habit of comparing yourself to others, you are now a runaway train of possibility. You are tapped into the one badass source that is possessed by only you and you are crushing it! Now, pay close attention to what you’re doing when you’re in the zone, and keep doing that.

Do you prefer to create business plans while standing barefoot on the porch? Do that!

Do you write your best poetry while using a Hello Kitty pencil? Do that!

Do the solutions to all of life’s problems come to you when you’re in the shower? Get in that damn shower, dude!

Here’s what always works perfectly for you. Being you!

Now that you’ve learned that you’re the one and only you, your channel is wide open and the downloads are coming faster and faster. Why? Because you’re not trying to be someone else. You’re not comparing yourself to Barb from Accounting, or Harrison Ford from All Of The Movies. You’re being you. There’s only one of you so you have that market cornered. You have a monopoly on you. You are totally youing it.

Okay, now it’s time to Next Level the you that is you by asking yourself a question and then answering it yourself. No cheating.

What Do You Want In Life?

Do you want to travel more? Do you want to open a gluten-free bakery? Do you want to get out of debt? Do you want to write a novel? Do you want to stop reading my generic suggestions and come up with your own questions? I sincerely hope that’s at least part of what you want.

Okay, now do it. Take a second and say to yourself what you want in life.

Uh oh. Guess what you just figured out? You just figured out what you want! From you. From your life. Right this moment. You told you what you wanted. Just. Like. That.

Orrrr…maybe you completely seized because you think you might know what you want right now but you’re afraid of saying it cause you don't want to admit it or that may not be what you’ll want after dinner tonight or later this year or when you’re 78 and what if you only had one chance at saying what you want and manifesting it and, oh crap, I should have said “To be out of debt” instead of “To drive an ice cream truck across Alaska” because now I’ll never get out of debt and people will make fun of me for admitting my ice cream truck thing and I don’t even like ice cream and maybe I need to think about this for a while before I answer because I might get this wrong, hey look there’s the TV remote maybe there’s something on that will help me answer this question later, I really need to meditate on this but I don’t know how to meditate, man I totally suck, why can't I meditate, oh cool, a Slurpee® commercial, I need one before they run out of my favorite flavor: Super Sour Strawberry Wild Rush Raging Blast, yeah, I’ll do that and then after I drink it I will totally decide what I want in life which I'm pretty sure is not meditation but maybe it is and that's all part of why I can't answer this simple question but as soon as this Slurpee® is done I'm answering it. Yeah. I’ll do that. Then. That. I’m doing that. That’s what I’m doing. I’m doing that thing. That. Right? Yes. That?

Let me rephrase the question to make it easier: What do you want in life, right now? Other than a Slurpee® that is. You can say it. Come on. You already freakin’ know it. You know what you want. Say it. Saaaaaay it. Be brave. SAY IT!

Boom! Turned out to be a lot easier than you thought.

Now all you have to do is make that happen.

You already know your skillset. You already know who you know and what you know and you know what? You are going to take those exact steps and make it happen. Why? Because it’s what you want and you’re under a strict contract with yourself in this lifetime to deliver on that shit. No one else will do it for you and, as you know very well, it’s exactly what you want. Not because someone else told you but because YOU told you. The call came from inside the house!

Make a checklist. Buy notecards. If you prefer to work late at night, develop your plan late at night. Apply self adhesive transparent film on your walls and turn an entire room into a super cheap white board (I did this and it worked quite nicely). Do something! Now!

Lay out the steps that will work for you. Don’t freak out about the end goal, just focus on little steps 1-5. Fine, just step 1. Then 2. Now 3 through 5? After you get there go for 6-10. See the pattern? Don’t get bogged down in details, just start moving in that direction with a plan. If it’s a 10 year plan, that’s fine. You’re a 10 year plan kind of person. If it needs to be on a spreadsheet, then open up that app. If you need to create an infographic then do that. There’s no wrong answer here.

The only mistake you can make is by not doing anything.

I have a friend who didn’t want to start writing a script until she got a better desk chair. She got that desk chair and then decided she needed a new desk. She got the desk but then she needed to get her laptop fixed. She got her laptop fixed but then she needed to update her screenwriting software. It’s 20 fucking years later and she still hasn’t started writing that script. Don’t be Bonnie!*

Ask you what you want and start working towards making that happen. Take the steps. If you change your mind later, adjust. The world will not come crashing down around you. You don’t get just one shot at this. It’s not the Wheel of Fortune Bonus Round. You get tons of opportunities and unlimited asks from yourself. But they’re worthless if you don’t do anything with them.

So ask you what you want in life. Say something. One thing. Even a little tiny thing. Anything. And do whatever (legal) steps you need to make it happen. Do it for you. You can do it. You got this. Trust you. You do you. You know?

Oh, and once you’ve figured out your own highly successful habits, please don’t tell anyone what they are. No offense, but they’re completely meaningless to the rest of us.

 

*Bonnie is not my friend’s actual name. It’s Maria.

 

LESSON 1: NEVER AIM FOR THE TOP

Mediocrity is totally undervalued. Without mediocrity we’d never have yellow crayons, fun-size candy bars or the Chevrolet Cruze. We’d never have a small order of fries or a preschool in a bowling alley. That’s right, bowling alley preschools used to be a real thing. I know this because I attended one. The preschool in All Star Lanes to be exact. And I was eventually thrown out of that bowling alley preschool. No, I didn’t eat more than my daily allotment of paste. I was thrown out of the bowling alley preschool because of Poor Attendance. Throwing a kid out of school for poor attendance is not the most logical punishment if you think about it. But, as we all know too well, at bowling alleys the rules are the rules. I got booted out or, more accurately, bowling shooed out of the All Star Lanes preschool because I was guilty of not being there. I share this infofleck™ for a few reasons.

  1. In the 1960s, bowling alleys were widely accepted as the epicenter of suburban civilization.
  2. This punishment turned out to be eerily prescient considering the remainder of my education.
  3. All Star Lanes shuttered in 1985, the same year I was politely asked to leave Columbia College...for poor attendance.

What does any of this have to do with mediocrity? Very little, except for Columbia College. The point I’m wasting time in trying to make is that the All Star Lanes preschool may have had strict attendance rules but, on the whole, they were not delusional. They knew they weren't the most prestigious preschool in the Chicago metro area, but they also knew they were the best damn preschool inside that bowling alley. They owned that and if you didn't respect it, you were out.

There are a million instructional guides out there to help you strive to be the best. Books, flashcards, on-line classes and squeeze balls designed to teach, inspire, motivate, con you into doing whatever it takes to become THE VERY BEST. But guess what? By definition there can only be one best version of anything. The BEST of anything means excelling all others. The BEST is that which is the most excellent, outstanding or desirable of something. The one and very, very, very only best. I have some news for you.

Chances are someone else has already become the BEST. Possibly many years ago and probably a lot better than you’ll ever be.

Maybe these facts don’t concern you. Great! Love it! Reach for the stars and never give up! You can do it! Never quit! Try your best and you can be the best! You are probably an idiot!

Apologies if you’re not an idiot. Or if you are an idiot. I’m just saying that if you want to be successful and killing it on the regular, you should never hope to be the best. That is a trap. Never aim to be the best. Aim to be your best. You can totally do that and nail it like a person who nails things. Because…

 There’s a 99.9999999999% chance you will never be the best at anything. Except one thing. Being you. And right at this moment, without doing a thing, you are already the best version of you. You are the best!

That’s right. You and only you can rock you super crazy hard. Everyone else in the world cannot come close to the bespoke, awesome and kickass one and only version of you. No one will ever come close to being you. You are the best at being you and you will always be.

Yes, it is true that Dolly Parton once lost a Dolly Parton Lookalike Contest. But you can bet the unnamed drag queen that took home that trophy isn’t pocketing the profits from Dollywood’s Fantastic Foot-Long Corndogs and Signature Tater Twirls. That grease-soaked windfall is going straight into the bugle-beaded pockets of the one and only gen-u-ine Dolly Parton. The original and best Dolly Parton.

 No one else is better than you at being you.

Why does this even matter? Great question, thank you for asking. This matters because you probably don’t realize that you’re comparing yourself to others all day long. Your coworkers, your neighbors, your college roommate with the book deal. We’re comparing ourselves to others while we get dressed, watch TV or fight our way to the front of the Prosciutto Poppers sample line at Costco. Why do we initiate this torture?

Theodore Roosevelt famously said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”

Totally true. Comparison IS the thief of joy. Sadly, everyone compares Teddy Roosevelt to his 5th cousin, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who was a much more popular President and held the office for like 40 years.

But that’s them, not us. Comparison is a losing game. When you compare yourself to others you do it from a place of weakness. Stop doing that. Instead, realize that you and you alone are the undisputed, best version of you. No one else can be better. Don’t compare yourself to anybody. Especially those who are the best. Compare yourself against you. Did you have some lame ideas yesterday? Maybe. Can you do better today? Yes, you absolutely can. Lucky for you, no one has the exact point of view as you. No one has your same ideas or your exact skill set. Your inherent weirdness is what makes you, you. And if you can figure out a way to be brave enough to believe in your own stupid ideas, no one will be able to beat you at being you: 100% authentic, brave and stupidly prolific! That’s more dangerous than Michael Jordan in the low post. 

  You will never be a better basketball player than Michael Jordan. However, Michael Jordan completely sucks at being you. So technically, it’s a draw.

Stop comparing yourself to others, especially others who are vastly superior at things. Stop trying to be the best. Stop worrying about what others think of you because that’s none of your damn business. Forget about any possible comparisons anywhere because there is no comparison once you realize that you’re the only you and therefore best version of you. Game over. Embrace your inner youness™. Shine, you beautiful unique, original weirdo! Shine like no one is watching you and even if they are, you don’t freakin' care. Commit to being the most awesome version of you on your own epic terms. No one will ever be better at it than you.

Don’t scoff at mediocrity. One day you might need that stupid yellow crayon. Sometimes a $9 slice of airport pizza is the best possible option. Do yourself a favor and snub endless ambition instead. It’s a losing game. It freezes some from ever starting anything because they fear their work will never be as good as the amazing work that’s already out there. Stop worrying about other peoples’ work, it has absolutely nothing to do with yours. Stop comparing your unwritten screenplay to Chinatown. David Hockney doesn't know you, so don’t let his success stop you from painting. Don’t worry about George Clooney’s staggering good looks and accomplishments. DO YOUR OWN THING. You’re playing with house money. No one can do a better version of your work than you! No one. Let me repeat this: No one can do a better version of your work than you. No one.

So start writing, start painting, start acting, invent that thing, build that web site, start that business, do that crazy ambitious thing you’ve been afraid to do. Comparing yourself to the most successful people in the world is a convenient way to prevent yourself from creating anything. It’s also ridiculous. Steve Jobs didn’t compare his ideas to yours, so why should compare yours to his? If you approach everything from the position of knowing that you’re already the best you, then you’re already winning before you start.

Don’t try to write the best novel in the world. Write the novel that only you can write. No one else can do better than that. Don’t try to be the best at anything, unless it’s the best you.

Everything after that is easy.

 


All Star Bowl in Skokie, IL

All Star Bowl in Skokie, IL